Was on the way out of the building when a boy passed me by and I stopped to stare. He had such a striking resemblance to Hassan in The Kite Runner that its uncanny.
Then he walked away – face angled away from me, and the moment was gone.
I want concrete words down on black and white.
Something about being chauffeured around at night, with the orange lights moving and blinking and lighting up different parts of the vehicle as we breeze through the roads soothe me. There is somewhat a sense of peace, as though I’ve passed the baton on and I am in limbo and resting. There’s an intangible communication barrier between the driver and I, but that’s okay. Sitting here, with nary a word spoken, seems to be the best idea now.
Aye I have now figured that my iron stomach isn’t that great after all. Was in stitches while running, and it isn’t a really swell feeling. Gave up battling against it after a few rounds.
I’m still not good enough, and I don’t know my mileage. This is quite irritating, but I’m going to the track soon so perhaps I’d know my standard by then. Which isn’t alot la, sad to say.
I always hear this phrase, “Don’t use your strength to compare with others’ weaknesses.” Never really caught it until today. Sure I understood it, but its only today that I really understood it because I was engaged in it. Why. As long as I’m good enough for myself, I shouldn’t want to judge my worth against others’ yardsticks.
And in a blink of an eye, three weeks’ have come and gone.
So. What is the big picture. What is the big picture?
I see the mother by the side of the bus, lugging the bag off the son and a chattering girl waving a piece of paper on her left. A normal routine to be sure, but what struck me was the lack of attention paid to the little girl. She was talking to her mother most excitedly, her face scrunching with flitting emotions yet the mother was occupied with placing the bag securely on her own shoulders, and listened not to her. The brother ignored her with outright nonchalance. They moved along; the boy with the mother and the girl in front, face slightly averted to the back and talking animatedly to herself.
Why? Why the lack of response for the girl?
I’m waiting for dinner now, and I’m really hungry. Haha gosh.
You know, it was a shock to get back to school routine and miss out on the daily things I’d do each day – caregroup, meetings, work, whatnot. It took me awhile to get used to this solitude, but I think I’d finally overcome that barrier.
That there is a difference between loneliness and solitude, yeah its true. But it takes awhile for the heart to adjust to this. Well in any case, this is self imposed exile because of many reasons haha. And this is it, I suppose.
Learning to live with myself is one thing. But learning to push myself further is another. I have these dreams locked away in the heart, and right now I think they are not any good because they’re not used. Just these quiet murmurings in the background of the mind, popping up like the jack in the box when they are the furtherest thing from the conscious mind.
I’d leave this entry for now, because dinner is done! :)
One step back.
What do I want, really?
Third week ahead, I wanna go full steam.
Well school has been on for the past week and four days. I admit I was moaning and stressing over the fact that I thought the class was really competitive and I wasn’t sure if I could keep up with them.
But well when I take one step back and survey the whole picture, it doesn’t seem that bad a prospect anymore. I am slowly adapting to class. The presence of these students keep me on edge, and make me want to do a better job than just the usual presentation routine.
On another note, things do change – whether I fervently want them to or otherwise. They progress on without my consent and aye, if they’re meant to be, they will be. I don’t wanna dwell, especially if it’s just gonna be one sided.
