Maybe before I dawdle on the net with my to-do list, worries, and plain wanderings, I should settle some thoughts first.
It’s been four months into my job, and I’m pretty contented with what I have. Pay isn’t fantastic, but I am learning and I am given freedom on a lot of things. That’s good. People are pretty nice, and that’s another plus point. I honestly don’t know how long I can last, since for myself its always about the risk of staying and changing. But as for the right here and now, I’m good.
Meanwhile however, even as I enjoy my job, there is just such a niggling in the heart to up and leave Singapore. There are moments when I suddenly, achingly miss the loneliness and time and writings in Cambodia. Life seemed easier, when things were kinda on a standstill in my mind about life back in Singapore, 4 hours away by plane.
I wonder if push comes to shove, if I’d have the guts to go solo up to East Asia and Europe. I wonder if I can withstand a few months of self-enforced solitude. Sure I would definitely meet people on the road, but somehow… (okay I’m whining okay?)
I’m sorry I do life at a distance, an arm’s length, because I’m subconsciously scared. I do better with words, and literally reading between the lines than real-life scenarios, laid out and played out before my eyes, and with me as a character.
There are so many thoughts and worries and anxieties and sadness running through, and my best bets are to block them off, and to create more to-do lists. Yeah well I’ll write them down, throw them one side where they’d never see the light of discovery and perhaps someday I’ll laugh at this 20 year old version of myself.
As of right now, I am facing a 11/12 year crisis, as well as quarter-life anxieties. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll swim a thousand laps, buy my running shoes, clean the house up and sort these thoughts out.