How do I describe this thundering and stubborn mule of a heart?
I feel tied down, and cornered. The walls are closing in, and I’m claustrophobic. All I wanna do is to trash things and make more space, more breathing room for myself. Gasping and grasping at straws are what I’m doing now.
They say make the best out of your circumstances and yeah I am trying just right about all these while. But when all you see is sinking sand and closing territory.. my God what do you do? You try to turn tail and run and run and when you can run no farther you turn back and scream head-on into your worst nightmare.
Maybe I have a wandering spirit, and I’m so sick and tired of everything. Nothing seems to be going right, and this year is just one mess after another. Is this what life is? Promising you the moon and the stars, and throwing them far away as you reach for them?
There is always a silver lining. But as always I have a sad soul, and tonight I just don’t know what to make of life. The notes are jarring and staccato and whew this heart clams up, and well let’s go no farther.
Amidst these clouds I’m trying to find my sunshine. Painting the walls & the ceilings, trashing more books and ends, installing shelves hopefully, buying a carry on luggage because I dont want to lug a huge-ass bag on my back like I do all the time.., figuring how to make bedsheets and finally buying a proper mattress for my poor back, cooking more in order to save hopefully, and getting that huge-ass map onto my walls.
Other plans include taking up driving, figuring out Adobe Photoshop/Illustrator/video edits and generally running more, swimming better. Maybe when there is a rhythm, a soothing sort of rocking to my world.. then maybe this heart would be at ease.