This evening, I wonder what to make of life. Every so often, I get into this kind of existential funk, and sub-consciously grasp at matters swirling round. Tonight is one of those nights.
Today passed by very ordinarily, much like any other weekday. I woke up after a tiring dream, went to work, gobbled down lunch in front of my computer, headed for a meeting, stayed for a debrief & heart-to-heart with the client, headed off to school, and headed back home. Strangely, I’m not that tired tonight, unlike yesterday evening.
Of plans on mind, there are many. I want to fix the new bed frame, rent the spare bedroom, deal with the work projects, grow plants in the office, hang out with my gran more often, be more involved with my family members’ lives, study smart, prioritize. I’ve been using Wunderlist of late, and its very useful. The app is accessible via desktop & on mobile, and the ability to categorize is tremendously helpful. It has helped me to stay on task, and to stay focused.
More often than not lately, the thought that life is more than work has been ruminating in my mind. Frankly, I like my job. I like the different briefs that come, and the different approaches we undertake. I like that we strive to innovate and deliver. I like that I am constantly learning & thinking of ways to be better, to be faster. However, I am not my job. I am not Denise Leok, the Account Executive. There is the blur-cock student, the family member, the friend, the lover, the person you see on the bus staring into space or nodding off. There is that Christian who loves God with hands tied – her own doing.
So, is life about taking all these aspects and piecing them whole? If so, I am only at best a pattern. Is life being about a child of God? Then what’s the whole deal about juggling these departments – how does my hapless juggling honor?
They say there is more to life than 9-to-5. I agree. They say you must love your job. I agree. They say do what you love, and you never have to work a single day of your life. Bullshit. We pull all-nighters, longish hours just to make things work. Every time the deadlines come all too close together I feel I literally can’t breathe. I go to school late, work during the weekends, work overnight, just so that I can try to close off some of the flooding jobs. This is work that I enjoy, that I see potential & future in, and this is work, make no mistake. Love is afterall, a commitment too I realize.
I guess I am trying to balance. To prioritize, and to make things work. But what for, and why? Is everything really then chasing after the wind, and what’s the deal of me on Earth?